the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
