"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
