Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
