turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
