I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize