I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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