i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
