don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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