I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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