Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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