Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
