It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
