My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
