i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
