Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
