Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
