pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
