I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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