Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
