i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
