the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
