I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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