Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Are these your boobs on my camera?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
