6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My balls are so social today.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you had me at cake vodka
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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