Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
