Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
