I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
