Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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