I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
