Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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