I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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