awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
