I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
