Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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