Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
and she was petting her beer can
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
