I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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