No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
