im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
