I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize