So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
