OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
