dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
