Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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