Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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