When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
