my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
