My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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