There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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