She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
