I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
