Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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