how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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