Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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