When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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