I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
