he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
