wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
