I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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