this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
