the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
