Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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