We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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