Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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