So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
