i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize