you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
