the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
