don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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