i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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