so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
